After more than a month's torment and lack of sleep, I should be sleeping like there is no tomorrow. However, I woke up at 6am today, feeling energised. For no apparent reason, I decided to read through my diary which I had deserted for almost two years.
Like what Wenyao said, diaries are for depressed people. Indeed, it is when you are at your lowest point, you want to vent your emotions via a medium. Usually, it will be people who are close to you. However, sometimes there are some matters which you just cannot confide in your friends, or you feel that you should not trouble your friends all the time. Thus, you start writing diary.
I started my diary when I broke up with Mr. Ex-boyfriend in November 2003. Looking back at those ramblings I wrote, I recalled how miserable I was and now I realise how foolish I was.
I am very grateful to my friends who were by my side. Sicong was one of them. He said something which I had totally forgotten till I read one of the entries. He tried to console me by using my favourite tau huay. He said I should look forward in my life like the way I look forward to my Rochor tau huay. I have tasted it before and like it, so I should live on and look forward to it again. He was actually very satisfied with this analogy. Now that I recall, it makes some sense but....tau huay? hmmm...I do not have much craving to it now anyway. But still, thanx Sicong! I know you have tried your best. I appreciate it. hee.
The later entries narrated my most depressed moments of my life when Papa was hospitalised and eventually left us. When I was reading the entries of the breakup, I was actually rather calm and composed. However, the moment I started reading the first entry about Papa, tears welled up my eyes.
When Papa was hospitalised, hopes were harboured that he will be well again. The doctor was confident that he would survive but there were chances that he would be paralyzed or become a vegetable. As long as he lives on, nothing else matters. We would be there to help him recover. As long as he lives on.
Countless needles and tubes pierced through his body and it pains to see the ever-mighty Papa in such vulnerability and misery. It hurts. Even now. It is a struggle to write with my tears rolling profusely as I recall the pain and misery undergone.
I told Papa to hang on there and be strong. And I think he heard me. I knew we could get over this together.
However, the next day, there was a total change of situation. The doctor was not optimistic if he could survive. As the days went by, my hopes diminished. I knew that Papa was struggling and it really hurt to see him in such torment.
Almost everyone was prepared for him to leave. But I wasn’t. Mummy and Papa’s sister went home to pray to the ancestors, hoping they would bring Papa to them and take care of him. Mei was calling funeral parlours to check out the pricing. Papa was still struggling to stay alive and you guys were preparing for his death?!?!?! Anger and disappointment overwhelmed me.
In the end, all hopes were abandoned. The doctor decided to transfer Papa out of ICU to the normal ward. All the other patients were alive and kicking, except for Papa. He looked even more miserable than in ICU. He was gasping for air and sweating profusely. I could no longer bear with it. I knew I had to let go. I told Papa to stop struggling. He could go and did not have to worry about us.
That night, he left us.
Without waiting for us to bid him farewell.
For the first time after a week of misery and struggle, his face looked peaceful.
He had gone. For a better place I hope.
I have learnt to cherish the people around me. Always be thankful of what you have. You may be unhappy that your parents are unreasonable, your sliblings may be unappreciative, or your friends may have done something to piss you off, but no matter what, they are people who are dear to you. Treasure them before you lose them. If not you will be filled with regrets, like me.
I did not even have a family photo taken with Papa.
Life is no longer the same without Papa around. Mei is hardly at home now too. Mei, if you see this, I hope you will be home more often. Spend more time with Mummy or even me before it is too late. I guess that is what Papa wished for too.
It has been almost four years but I knew he is still with us all this while.
I miss you, Papa.
And I hope you are doing fine now.
Though I have never told you this before,
I love you, Papa.
I really do.
:: CLEANSING ::
Origins A Perfect World
B.Liv Glow and Shine
B.Liv Squeaky Clean
:: SKINCARE ::
Origins A Perfect World Toner
Botos Serum
B.Liv Shrink and Tighten
B.Liv Off With Those Heads
:: EYECARE ::
Origins High Potency Eye Cream
Faceshop Collagen Eye Patch
Shu E Lash Repair
:: COSMETICS ::
BRTC BB Cream
Skinfood loose powder
Loreal Mineral powder
Clinique Blusher
Majolica Mascara
:: MONTHLY SUPPLEMENTS ::
Meiji Collagen
Multi-vitamins
Vitamin C